Why Better Communication Isn’t Enough for Couples

When couples seek therapy, one of the most common reasons they give is a desire for “better communication.” The belief is if they could just get their message across more clearly, most of their problems would disappear. This makes sense because, on the surface, communication seems like the heart of relationship struggles. Many believe that by learning new skills and gaining insight into each other’s thoughts and emotions, they will be able to avoid misunderstandings and resolve conflicts smoothly. However, anyone who has tried this approach has likely found that over time it does not last. Frustration mounts as attempts to “say things the right way” does not lead to lasting change, and couples feel like they are back to square one.

So why doesn’t this work? If it’s not communication itself that’s the problem, what is?

It’s not the act of communicating that is broken—we’re never not communicating—rather, it is the system of interaction that needs repair; a system that shapes the emotional quality of our connection. The underlying patterns and signals we send our partner might not be laying down a clear path for the safety and connection we long for. “Okay, so what does safety have to do with any of this?” 

Understanding the Call-and-Response System in Relationships

To grasp this more clearly, imagine going back in time to when you were a baby. As infants, we are entirely dependent on our caregivers to survive. Because we cannot use spoken language, we communicate through cries, gestures, and expressions, and our caregivers respond to meet our needs. This back-and-forth dynamic is our earliest experience of communication, but it is much more than just exchanging information. It is a “call and response” system designed to create emotional safety and bonding because there is vulnerability plus comfort. When a caregiver consistently responds to an infant’s signals, it establishes a foundation of security. The child learns that when they express a need, it will be acknowledged and received, reinforcing the bond between them and creating a sense of emotional safety.

Dr. Susan Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains that adult romantic relationships rely on this same attachment system. In essence, romantic love is an attachment bond (Brubacher & Johnson, 2017), just like the one we developed as children. Adult relationships work well when there is a reliable call-and-response dynamic, where both partners feel safe expressing their needs and are responsive to each other’s cues. 

What Happens When the System Fails?

In many struggling relationships, the “call and response” system is wounded and needs repair. Perhaps one partner doesn’t respond reliably when the other reaches out, or responses feel critical, defensive, or dismissive. Over time, this creates emotional distance and insecurity, as partners begin to feel they can’t rely on each other for support. Even though they may communicate frequently, the interactions lack the emotional resonance needed to strengthen their connection. They might exchange information, but the deeper needs for security, validation, and closeness remain unmet.

This is why simply improving communication skills—learning to say things in a better way, adopting new techniques, or being more articulate—often doesn’t lead to meaningful change. That is like asking the infant to drop their discomfort and cry more clearly, or have the parent just give better instructions. There is so much more at stake here. Without addressing the underlying system, even the best communication skills won’t help partners feel safe, connected, or understood. 

Moving Beyond Words

Repairing a ruptured communication system involves more than just talking differently. It requires shifting focus from simply exchanging words to establishing an emotionally responsive connection. This includes things like tuning into our partner’s signals and cultivating a sense of security that allows both people to feel seen, valued, and supported.

With a trained therapist, couples work to understand each other’s emotional cues and respond in ways that reinforce their bond (Johnson & Greenman, 2006). More about that here. Instead of just focusing on what they are saying, they learn to pay attention to the impact of their responses on one another, as well as identifying and owning their attachment insecurities. As this system is repaired, couples often find that they can express themselves more freely without fear of triggering defensiveness or rejection. They begin to trust that when they reach out, their partner will respond with care, not criticism or isolation.

When couples realize it is not communication alone but the entire communication system that needs repair, they shift from simply sharing information to building a bond. They recognize that their “call and response” is about creating a sense of safety and mutual support, where both partners feel emotionally held. This change can create a profound shift in the relationship, leading to a lasting sense of closeness and connection.

Ciao for now,

David Byers, AMFT 147942

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References

Brubacher, L. L., Johnson, S. M. (2017). Romantic love as an attachment process: Shaping secure bonds, In Foundations for Couples' Therapy. Routledge.

Johnson, S. M., Greenman, P. S. (2006). The path to a secure bond: Emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 62(5), 597–609. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20251

Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen via iStock-1849396272