Coping with Holiday Stress, Grief, and Expectations

The holiday season has wonderful memories for me and my family. I can reflect on the awe and wonder and magic that was created for me as a child. As an adult, I realize that the expectations of this time of year can often dampen my experiences and enjoyment of what was once my favorite time of year.

It’s hard not to have some sort of expectation for the holidays. Social media and entertainment constantly sell us holiday ideals. Classic movies always have immaculate decorations, happy family relationships, and expensive product placements. It’s hard not to compare a realistic budget to the wants and wishes of ourselves or our loved ones. This is especially true if we’re facing financial hardship or strained relationships.

No one wins in the game of comparison, and it is the thief of joy. We end up telling ourselves that the holidays “should” be a certain way, or that we “have to” maintain a relationship with certain people because of their title or role in our lives. The pressure to uphold traditions or ignore our boundaries for others can leave us emotionally drained.

When we hide our stress from the world, we may feel shame for not having what others seem to. We may even take on responsibility that wasn’t even ours to begin with. This kind of pressure can lead to increased anxiety and depression during the holidays.

There isn’t always an easy answer to what is best to do when we’re feeling stressed and carrying a hurting heart. Everyone’s boundaries are different, and following advice from those around us can sometimes make things worse. Being able to contact a therapist to share our stresses can sometimes seem like a small solution for a big problem. Luckily, not all big problems require a big solution. Sometimes a few small solutions can make a big difference. Even if there’s nothing we can control or change, a therapist can help us shift our perspective. They can ease the grip of paralyzing emotions and help us move forward. 

A therapist can help explore those family dynamics, and help create boundaries that are ideal for you and your situation. A therapist can also help prepare you for those social engagements that we might not be able to avoid. Instead of walking into a tense situation unprepared, we can plan for safety, and identify what our limitations are. I once worked with a client to set clear boundaries for family gatherings, including which behaviors they wouldn’t tolerate. They had a whole plan for what to do if something happened, and in the end, they didn’t even need the plan! They were able to enjoy their family, and still maintain their boundaries.

Holidays can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and grief. It can also stir up longing for a different reality. Although pain is inevitable, you do not have to force yourself to suffer through the holiday alone. Set up an appointment with a therapist who can offer you a safe space to think and say everything you haven’t felt able to express. Maybe this can be the year when unnecessary stress is finally lifted off your shoulders.

Holding space for whatever comes next,

Angelina Gutierrez, LPCC 18001