To the Parent of an Adult Child: How to Connect and Begin to Mend Your Relationship

Life can be hectic, full of ups, downs, and unpredictable moments. Often, we look back at our mistakes or moments we wish we had handled differently and cringe. Especially when it comes to raising a child, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all guide to doing it perfectly. Our own experiences, or lack thereof, can influence how we raise our children. Generational trauma can trickle down and, at times, contaminate even our best intentions. Sometimes, we make choices that may have been for the best in the long run, but our child still has emotions about them.

One key step to understanding your child is taking the time to truly listen to and understand their perspective; letting your adult child express their emotions about their experience of an event matters. Your child is allowed to feel what they feel, and often, they just want to be heard and understood, even if it's about something you don’t agree with.

Easier said than done, right? Defensiveness tends to rise when discussing mistakes or past choices. But remember, you don’t have to agree with everything your child says in order for them to feel heard. What matters most is your presence, your open-mindedness, and your willingness to respect their opinions. Being there in the moment to comfort, soothe, and reflect on your adult child’s emotions are all steps that can lead to healing.

Now, don’t get me wrong, accountability and genuine apologies go a long way when mistakes have been made. It’s okay to admit you were wrong or that you wish you had done something differently. In fact, most adult children respect transparency when it comes to the past. Being honest helps your adult child learn how to navigate accountability and how to apologize in situations where they are wrong too.

That said, there's a big difference between an apology and an apology that comes with rationalizing or making excuses. If your adult child is upset or dysregulated, a response filled with defenses and justifications won’t help. It may actually reinforce the belief that you don’t care.

Something to keep in mind when your child is discussing past events is the difference between listening to respond and listening to understand. The goal behind those two approaches are very different. Listening to understand means taking on the role of an investigator–  Your job is to listen closely and try to grasp the message your child is trying to convey. Repeating back what they’ve said, asking for clarification when needed, and acknowledging their emotions are all part of this process.

Sometimes, your child doesn’t need answers. They need your presence, your attunement to what they’re feeling and sharing. Of course, if you want them to understand the reasons behind your choices, that conversation can still happen just not during the moment they’ve finally gathered the courage to open up. Set aside a separate time for that kind of discussion.

Whether your child is sharing negative emotions or past events, take it as a positive sign that there is movement in your relationship; your adult child feels safe or trusts you enough to share something uncomfortable. That takes courage, especially when addressing a parent. If you want to open the door to healing, you can even take the first step: initiate a conversation about the past, express a willingness to hear their perspective, and offer an apology or acknowledgement.

Have compassion for your child and for yourself as you embark on this healing journey. Not everything will go perfectly, and that’s okay. The important thing is to keep trying and stay consistent. I hope this blog helps you and your adult child further connect. If you find yourself needing more support, individual or family therapy can be great resources for understanding yourself, your child, and for continuing to grow these relational skills.

As always - take care,  

Haylee Clark, AMFT141461