Your Self Love Prescription

Last night I came home to a gift bag with a sticky note “For the pool!” in my husband’s hand-writing sitting on the kitchen counter. I eagerly tore the bag open to find new sandals he had picked out for me to wear on our upcoming trip together. How gratifying it feels to be offered gestures of love from those who care about us - gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time. 

We are giddy to receive a bouquet of flowers, encouraged when our hard work and efforts are validated by those around us, fulfilled when we get to spend an evening at dinner chatting with a friend. It’s sneaky, but it can be so tempting to begin to place expectations on others to meet our emotional needs. How easily we can slip into disappointment or resentment when our loved ones fail to meet these expectations. 

The concept of love languages is widely regarded as a helpful tool for understanding how one offers and receives love in relationships. It’s more rare, however, that I hear this concept applied to our relationship with ourselves.

Have you ever run an inconvenient errand for a friend? Made a meal for new parents? Sent an encouraging text to a friend you know is struggling (or just because they were on your mind)?  So often these are some of the strategies we employ to show those around us how much they mean to us. This prompts my question - how often are you offering yourself these same gestures?

Interestingly, there’s even a phenomenon in which we tend to self sabotage in ways that counter our love languages. For example, if your love language is quality time you may over extend your personal commitments or take on extra tasks at work, leaving little time to connect with yourself. If you regularly practice generosity with others, you may have reservations about treating yourself to a coffee or the shirt you’ve been eyeing for months. Maybe you’re a spouse and don’t think twice about unloading the dishwasher, or a parent who doesn’t even blink at volunteering for your kid’s field trip, but decluttering your personal space or taking a relaxing bath isn’t even on your radar. For those of us with a love language of words of affirmation, how easy is it for our own inner critic to tear us down? 

What would it change for you to offer yourself the same love you freely offer others? By developing the recognition that you are capable of meeting your own needs, you establish a deep knowing of yourself and a confidence that fosters self trust. This practice can also improve relationships with those around us by alleviating the pressure we often unknowingly place on our loved ones to meet our every need through recognizing our own capacity to do so. 

While this could look like grand gestures for yourself, there are so many practical ways to add acts of self love into your life: 

Gifts: Start a DIY project, buy yourself flowers or another small treat, invest in your hobbies, book a new class (dance, pottery, yoga ~ Tower Yoga Studio https://toweryogafresno.com/ offers a week of free yoga to all new students)

Words of Affirmation: Start a gratitude journal, challenge a negative thought, give yourself a compliment (any compliment), set a reminder on your phone for a daily affirmation (I have a positive impact on the world, I strive for joy not perfection, I am more than my circumstances dictate) 

Acts of Service: Wash your car, declutter your personal space, cook yourself a nourishing meal, cross something off your to do list, do something for your future self (for me, this means setting the coffee to brew the night before so my morning self gets to move a little more slowly)

Physical Touch: Take a bath, give yourself a scalp or shoulder massage (or go get one!),  practice daily stretching, exfoliate, book a hair or nail appointment, go for a walk

Quality time: Explore nature, read a book, wake up early to spend time alone before your day starts (maybe even watch the sunrise), sip slowly on your morning drink of choice, take yourself on a date, start therapy

Let’s start together, today, with an affirmation - I am worthy of my own time, energy, and care.

Thank you for the opportunity to connect with you,

Delane McGuire, LMFT 153929