Vulnerability Hangovers

You may have heard that “vulnerability is strength,” but anyone who’s opened up to someone about their struggles knows that, afterwards, there’s a lingering feeling that can feel less like strength and more like regret or even shame. Known as a "vulnerability hangover” (Brown, 2012), this feeling often follows a moment of deep sharing, particularly when it’s about something intensely personal. This experience can be deeply unsettling, yet it’s also a sign of growth, and it reflects our desire for authentic connection.

A vulnerability hangover occurs when the emotional high of opening up fades, leaving behind doubts like, “Did I overshare?” or “What if they judge me?” It’s a natural response to a moment of openness, stemming from a mix of fear, social conditioning, and uncertainty. Vulnerability makes us feel exposed and can trigger the fear of being judged or misunderstood. This sense of exposure is heightened in a culture that values control and self-sufficiency, where emotional honesty is often mistaken for weakness.

Psychologist Brené Brown (2012), who popularized the term “vulnerability hangover,” explains that while vulnerability is the path to meaningful connection, it also involves risk. Brown notes that vulnerability isn't a weakness but rather “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." Yet, taking this path can leave us feeling raw and uncertain, even when our vulnerability is met with empathy and understanding.

In the popular streaming series The Rings of Power, a young Elrond tells his old friend, “A burden shared may be halved or doubled, depending on the heart that receives it.” When someone receives our vulnerability with kindness, it can ease our burden. But if the response is dismissive or judgmental, it can intensify feelings of self-doubt and isolation.

So, how does one deal with a vulnerability hangover?

1. Acknowledge It – First, accept that vulnerability hangovers are normal. Rather than interpreting these feelings as a sign that you made a mistake, see them as proof that you’re breaking through personal barriers. Just like how physical hangovers remind us of a wild night, vulnerability hangovers are reminders of emotional courage.

2. Seek Safe Listeners – Find someone who can receive your vulnerability with empathy and non-judgment, as a supportive listener can greatly influence how you feel afterward. The difference between halving and doubling your burden often depends on the trust and respect you feel in the other person.

3. Practice Self-Compassion – Often, the vulnerability hangover is fueled by self-criticism and doubt. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend who shared something difficult. If it helps, remind yourself of the value of being honest and authentic, even if it feels uncomfortable.

4. Reflect on Growth – Reflect on why you chose to be vulnerable in the first place. Whether it was to strengthen a relationship, confront a challenge, or gain understanding, remember that these moments serve a purpose. Growth often involves discomfort, and vulnerability is part of that journey.

5. Find Comfort in Shared Experiences – Vulnerability hangovers are universal. Many of us have them after sharing deeply, and the discomfort that follows is often the same across experiences. Recognizing this can help normalize the feeling and remind you that you’re not alone in feeling uneasy after opening up.

Embracing the Power of Vulnerability

While vulnerability hangovers may feel intense, they’re also indicators of personal progress. They remind us of the strength it takes to be real in a world that often encourages hiding behind emotional walls. As you continue to practice vulnerability, you may find that the hangovers lessen, as you learn that the benefits of honest, deep connection outweigh the risks.

By embracing vulnerability, we also open ourselves to empathy and connection with others, which are antidotes to isolation. As Elrond’s quote suggests, the people we choose to be vulnerable with matter significantly. Seek out the hearts that will help you share, not double, the burden. 

Ciao for now,

David Byers, AMFT 147942

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References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022). Season 1, Episode 5: “Partings.” Amazon Prime Video.

Image by BiancaVanDijk via Pixabay