Many couples entering into couples therapy space seldom recognize how their daily habits have only contributed to the “big” issues. In other words, we often overlook seemingly minor habits that can slowly erode the foundation of a relationship. Whether it's emotional withdrawal, or a lack of communication, these bad habits can create a rift that's hard to bridge. Below are a few bad habits that can sabotage your relationship and offer practical tips to break these habits and foster a healthier, more fulfilling, connection with your partner.
Neglecting Quality Time
Life can be busy, and it's easy to let quality time with your partner slip down your priority list, especially as the years go by. Get the most out of your quality time with one another by removing distractions; turn off the TV, put your phones on airplane mode and be fully present with your partner. When partners are not intentional in the time they spend together they can begin to feel undervalued and unimportant, potentially leading to resentment.
Tip: Schedule regular “date nights” or quality time together. Regular can mean as often as every week, every two weeks or even once a month. The important thing to recognize when you overdue. Simple activities like cooking a meal together or having a quiet evening with no distractions can strengthen your bond.
Negative Sentiment Override
Researchers and founders of the Gottman Couples Therapy Method, John and Julie Gottman describe how over time we can tend to view our partner through a negative lens instead of the positive one that we once held. Negative sentiment override occurs when a partner's negative feelings and perceptions about their relationship dominate their overall perspective. In this state, the partner interprets their partner’s actions, words, and behaviors through a negative lens, often leading to a cycle of criticism and conflict. It’s easy to get caught up in focusing on what’s wrong rather than what’s going well in your relationship.
Tip: The antidote to negative sentiment override? Cultivate a relationship full of fondness and admiration and reduce use of what Gottman calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Practice gratitude and focus on the strengths of your relationship. Make a habit of acknowledging and celebrating what you appreciate about each other. Saying something like, "thank you for always being there for me", holding hands, giving hugs, or offering to help with a task or taking care of something for them can cultivate a more positive perspective of your partner and the relationship.
Not "watering" yourself
I often use the metaphor of a plant to explain how we should approach relationships. Before entering a relationship, we’re like individual plants, tending to our own needs and nurturing our growth. When we start a relationship, it’s as if we’re replanting ourselves in a new pot with our partner. When you’re deeply invested in a relationship, it can be easy to neglect your own needs and well-being… aka stop watering ourselves. This can lead to burnout and dissatisfaction, which can affect your relationship.
Tip: Prioritize self-care and maintain a healthy balance between your personal needs and your relationship. Pursue hobbies, maintain friendships, and ensure you’re taking care of your mental and physical health. A well-rounded and fulfilled individual contributes positively to a relationship.
Missing Bids for Connection
In John Gottman’s research at the "Love Lab," where he studied couples' interactions and communication patterns he found that couples make attempts or “bids” for connection in order to engage with their partner. These bids can be through conversation, physical touch or shared activities. There are three ways in which someone can respond:
Turn Toward: When a partner acknowledges and responds positively to a bid, they are "turning toward" their partner. This fosters emotional connection and strengthens the relationship.
Turn Away: When a partner ignores or dismisses a bid, they are "turning away." This can create feelings of rejection and distance, potentially leading to emotional disengagement.
Turn Against: When a partner responds negatively or harshly to a bid, they are "turning against." This can escalate conflicts and damage the relationship over time.
When partner’s miss bids for connection, they are missing their partner’s attempts of trying to communicate “I want to connect with you”. Overtime, the more bids that are missed the more disconnected couples feel.
Tip: A very simple and plain truth– Turn towards your partner’s bids.
While these four habits may not make up the entire list, they are ones I have seen frequently show up in the couples therapy space. Habits can be hard to break, especially when we don’t know what they are or how to identify and neutralize their pattern of destruction. By shedding light on these four habits, you and your partner can begin working together to foster growth and create a healthier, more resilient relationship.
Till next time,
Aimee Strange, LPCC 14132
Resources:
Goleman, Daniel. "7 Deadly Sins That Will Ruin Your Relationship." Psychology Today, 2 Aug. 2021, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202108/7-deadly-sins-will-ruin-relationship.
Gottman, John. "Turn Toward Instead of Away." The Gottman Institute, 24 June 2020, https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/.
Gottman, John. "The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling." The Gottman Institute, 13 Oct. 2021, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.
Gottman, John. "Blame, Resentment, and Negative Sentiment Override." The Gottman Institute, 7 Feb. 2022, https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/.