Supporting a Loved One Through Mental Illness: What Helps and What Hurts

One of the worst feelings I have ever experienced is feeling helpless. I often feel it when my loved ones are sick or struggling, and it is a painful, confusing, deeply human emotion. As a therapist, I have had training and years of experience that help me navigate those feelings when working with clients facing mental health challenges. I feel honored to bear witness to the brave individuals who are showing up and facing their struggles. But most people have not had that training. As a parent, friend, relative, or even acquaintance, it can feel overwhelming to know how to help.

It is absolutely normal to not know what to say or do. Most people jump straight to problem-solving because their own discomfort kicks in. We try to fix things quickly in order to ease that discomfort. But this response can unintentionally leave the other person feeling unheard or invalidated. Supporting someone is not about fixing the problem. Often, it is just about being present.

You do not have to fully understand what someone is going through to be supportive. You can validate their experience by acknowledging how difficult things must feel for them. A simple “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you” can go a long way. Some people do want advice, but it is always better to ask first: “How can I support you right now?” or “Do you want advice, or do you just need someone to listen?”

Praising small steps and accomplishments can be incredibly meaningful, especially for someone who tends to be critical of themselves. Consistent support, whether it is a text, a check-in, or going for a walk together, can help someone feel less alone. Just remember to respect their autonomy and allow them to move at their own pace. It is natural to want a loved one to get better quickly, but healing is rarely linear.

When someone we love is struggling, our discomfort might show up in unhelpful ways. Try to avoid minimizing their experience, offering too many solutions, or taking their behavior personally. Guilt-tripping and shaming rarely lead to lasting change and often push people further into isolation.

If you are a support person, take care of yourself too. You cannot pour from an empty kettle. If you try to boil water in an empty kettle, it can damage the kettle or even burn the house down. You have limits, and acknowledging those limits is not selfish. If you are feeling overwhelmed or burned out, it is okay to seek help for yourself. Whether through therapy, a support group, or simply talking to someone you trust, taking care of yourself also models healthy boundaries and self-care for those around you.

It is also okay to gently suggest professional help if your loved one’s distress is severe, ongoing, or worsening. Offer support in finding resources, making appointments, or even going with them if they want that help.

At the end of the day, you do not have to have the perfect words. Being present, listening without judgment, and showing up in small, consistent ways are powerful acts of love. Supporting someone with a mental illness can be challenging, but you do not have to do it alone. There are resources available for them and for you too.

Holding space for whatever comes next,

Angelina Gutierrez, LPCC 18001