Emerging Adulthood: The In-Between Years

I often hear from people between 18-29 years old, “I see others achieving their goals before me and it makes me feel behind.”

There’s a period of life that can feel really confusing.

You’re technically an adult. People may expect you to know what you’re doing, make your own decisions, have a career plan, and maybe even know what you want your future to look like.

But inside, you might still be thinking:

“Wait… am I supposed to know what I’m doing by now?”

You might be in college and questioning whether you picked the right degree.. Maybe you recently graduated and thought you would feel more self-assured or ready for the ‘real world’, but instead you’re wondering what comes next. You might have just moved out, moved back home, started your first career, ended a relationship, started dating again, or realized that the life you thought you wanted at 18 isn’t really the life you want now.

If any of this sounds familiar, there’s actually a name for this stage of life: emerging adulthood.

Psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett introduced the emerging adulthood theory as a period of development from late teens through a person’s twenties. His theory acknowledges that these years aren't necessarily adolescence, but they don't always feel like traditional adulthood either. They can be a time of figuring things out, trying things on, changing your mind, and learning more about yourself along the way. (Arnett, 2000)

So what exactly is “emerging adulthood”?

Think about how much can change between 18 years old and your late twenties.

You can be a completely different person within that time range.

Your relationships may change. Your friendships may change. Your career interests may change. Your relationship with your family may change. Even what you felt was important to you can change.

And sometimes, that can feel unsettling.

Arnett described several experiences that tend to come up during this stage of life, including identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between, and a sense of possibilities for the future. (APA, 2006)

Figuring out who you are

One of the biggest parts of emerging adulthood is figuring out what actually feels like you.

You might start asking questions you didn't necessarily have the freedom—or the need—to ask before.

What kind of career do I actually want to pursue?

What do I want my relationships to look like?

Do I want to live near my family or somewhere completely different?

What matters to me?

Am I making choices because I want them, or because they're what I'm “supposed” to want?

Sometimes those questions have answers right away. Sometimes they don't.

And that's okay.

The part nobody really talks about: how unstable it can feel

There can be a lot of change during these years.

You might have a job and realize you dislike it. You might date someone and realize that the relationship isn't right for you. You might move to a new place and then realize you don't want to stay there.

You may change your mind more than once.

From the outside, this can sometimes look like being indecisive or not having your life together.

But changing your mind can also be part of learning more about yourself.

You don't always know what fits until you try it.

Feeling like you're somewhere in the middle

This might be one of the hardest parts for folks.

You're an adult, but you may not feel like an adult.

You might pay your own bills but still call your parent when you don't know what to do.

You might have a full-time job but still feel like you're trying to figure out what you want to be for a career.

You might be financially independent in some ways and rely on your family in others.

You can feel mature and completely lost at the same time.

That doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong.

It's part of being in between.

And then there’s the comparison

I think this is where things can get especially difficult.

You look around and it seems like everyone else is achieving their goals.

Someone you went to high school with is getting married or just got engaged.

Someone else bought a house.

Another person got their dream job.

Someone is traveling the world.

Someone seems to have their entire life figured out.

And you're wondering why you're still trying to figure out what you want.

But we rarely see the whole story behind someone else's life…Especially on social media.

And there isn't one timeline for adulthood.

Some people know what they want at 21. Others don't figure it out until much later. Sometimes those that thought they knew what they wanted, change their mind later. Some people move out and become financially independent early. Others stay close to family for much longer. Some people follow a pretty straight path, while others take a few turns along the way.

Emerging adulthood can look very different from person to person. (APA, 2006)

So what are we supposed to do with all of this?

Perhaps the goal isn't to have everything figured out.

Maybe it's to get curious about yourself while also being compassionate with yourself.

Instead of constantly asking, “Why am I not in the position I want to be in?” it can be helpful to start asking:

“Is this actually what I want?”

“Am I doing this because I genuinely want it, and am I doing this because I'm afraid of disappointing someone?”

“What would I choose if I stopped comparing myself to everyone around me?”

Those questions can be especially complicated when family expectations, culture, finances, relationships, or other people's opinions are involved.

Sometimes what we want and what we were taught to want aren't the same thing.

And figuring out the difference can take time.

You are not behind

You don't have to have it all figured out.

You're allowed to change your mind.

You're allowed to try something new and realize it isn't for you.

You're allowed to take a different path than your friends.

You're allowed to move back home.

You're allowed to start over.

You're allowed to not know yet.

Becoming an adult isn't one specific moment when suddenly everything makes sense. It's something that happens gradually. We learn through our experiences, our choices, our mistakes, and sometimes through realizing that the life we thought we wanted isn't actually the life that feels right anymore.

So if you're in this stage of life and you're thinking, “Why don't I have this figured out yet?”

Maybe you don't need to have it figured out.

Maybe you're still figuring yourself out.

And maybe that's exactly where you're supposed to be.

You may not be behind. You may simply be emerging.

Until next time, stay golden,

Shabnam Brar, LCSW 113587

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480.

Munsey, C. (2006). Emerging adults: The in-between age. Monitor on Psychology, 37(7). American Psychological Association.