Do We Really Listen?

Think back to the last time you had a conversation with someone you didn’t agree with.

Maybe it was your spouse telling you that you were the one spending too much money. Maybe it was your teen expressing that they no longer believe in your family’s faith. Maybe it was your neighbor or co worker discussing politics or a current event.

Take a moment to revisit that conversation. Ask yourself honestly: Were you really listening?

Not—could you hear them. Not—were you tuned in and present.

But—did you let their words hold your full attention until they were completely done speaking?

Did you let time pause before you began to respond, allowing your body to fully absorb whatever piece of their soul they were offering? Did you protect their moment from the wanderings of your mind—especially from the counter-argument you were already forming?

You’re not alone if the answer is no.

Many of us struggle with this. I know I do!  You might even, like me, love a good debate. Maybe it energizes you. You love learning how others think and what makes them curious. But just as easily, you may find yourself more focused on what you want to say than on who you’re listening to.

Too often, our conversations become opportunities to prove a point or drop some piece of wisdom—while never actually hearing the other person.

But listening is a practice. Listening takes active engagement. Listening takes presence. Listening means setting aside your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs—just for a moment—to truly hear another person’s.

Their thoughts. Their feelings. Their values. Their beliefs. That is sacred space.

Are you cherishing it by giving them your full attention? Are you honoring it by holding the possibility that they might share something meaningful—something you haven’t considered?

For some, listening can feel like a threat. What the other person says may feel wrong, unsettling, or may even challenge a core belief. Your body might tense. You begin to tune them out. You start crafting a response to protect your own worldview.

This protective reaction is natural—but it shuts down connection. It halts dialogue. It reinforces the message: I can’t listen to them.

Here’s the truth: How we respond when someone speaks sends a signal—of either safety or danger. The brain remembers that signal. It stores that interaction. And next time, that person may not feel safe enough to share with you again.

But what if we shifted that?

What if we:

• Put our phones down to truly listen?

• Reminded ourselves that listening is not agreement—it’s presence?

• Allowed vulnerability to exist, knowing we can set boundaries or pause at any time?

• Turned toward the other person, looking them in the eye—when possible—or making space for differences in how people connect (due to neurodivergence, trauma, or attachment wounds)?

• Sent signals of safety, showing that even in disagreement, we can still listen?

• Let their words simmer in our minds like a slow-cooked soup—rich with flavor, nuance, and care?

Maybe there’s something in what they’re saying you hadn’t considered. Maybe you still disagree—but you can appreciate the thought and emotion behind it. Maybe what they’re sharing feels harmful or threatening—but you can connect with their fear, the vulnerability beneath their words.

Maybe you both remain on different sides of the conversation—conversation, not argument—and still find common ground in the powerful human experience of fear, hope, or grief.

One of the most powerful things we can do is listen. To send the message: You matter. To create a space of safety that says, Even if I don’t agree with what you believe, think, value, or feel—you, as a human being, matter.

Wishing you wellness and growth,

Stephanie Zimmerman, LMFT51755