Navigating someone else's grief can be challenging. It often brings up our own emotions and, for many of us, makes us feel uncomfortable in the face of someone else's pain. This discomfort can lead us to try to find quick solutions or offer words that we hope will ease their suffering. However, sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is simply sit with them in their grief, offering our presence and support without trying to fix or change their feelings.
Grief is not something that can be fixed or resolved quickly. It's a process that each person must navigate and work through over time. The journey through grief is unique, and healing involves facing and processing the pain, finding meaning in the experience, and gradually moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and understanding.
A good rule of thumb if you are a supportive friend or loved one is to let what you say be ENUF: empathetic, non-judgmental, unconditional, and stay focused on the feeling (Ken Moses, Ph.D.).
Here are three easy-to-remember rules of thumb to guide you in supporting your loved one during their grieving process:
Rule 1: Avoid Disconnecting or Distancing yourself
As Brené Brown eloquently stated, "empathy is feeling WITH people." When we sit with someone in their grief, it often triggers our own discomfort. This might lead us to say things like "I can't imagine." In moments of grief, what we need is someone who will stay with, not retreat from, our feelings. When we disconnect or shy away from expressing empathy, we inadvertently create a barrier between one another.
If you need a refresher on empathy, check out my favorite soundbite/illustration of Brene Brown’s Empathy v. Sympathy.
Rule 2: Steer clear of directing someone's emotional experience
Statements like "you're so strong" or "stay strong" may unintentionally convey to your grieving loved one that they should feel a certain way, when they may actually feel the opposite—weak, defeated, or like their world is falling apart. Providing your friend the space to express their emotions openly, without pressure to feel or be anything else in that moment, can be incredibly supportive.
Rule 3:Avoid searching for or offering a silver lining or bright side
It is important to allow your friend the space to experience and express their sadness and grief fully without rushing them towards finding a "bright side". Sometimes, trying to find a silver lining can inadvertently invalidate their feelings and the significance of their loss. Being present and supportive without imposing any expectations or timelines is often the most compassionate approach.
If you find yourself in doubt of what to say to a grieving friend, one of the best things you can do is let them know that you are there for them and ready to listen. It's completely acceptable to not have the perfect words to say; sometimes, your presence and support can speak volumes.
Till next time,
Aimee Strange, LPCC 14132