Jim and Pam (yes, of course I am referencing The Office) have noticed changes to their intimacy and communication and feel uncertain of how to move forward. Pam is the first to bring up couples therapy, Jim is open to the idea, but two questions come to mind:
“Are we too healthy for couples therapy?”-- AKA– “Do we really need it?”
“Could couples therapy make things worse?”
If you are in a relationship and have explored the idea of scheduling a couples therapy appointment, these questions are valid and more common than you may think. To ease your worries, let’s discuss both in more detail.
Do Healthy Couples Attend Couples Therapy?
A big misconception about both couples and individual therapy sessions is that many believe that therapies are only for people with real or BIG problems (i.e: Affairs, mistrust, difference in sex or other values). The reality is, in human relationships, there is always an opportunity to deepen connection, improve communication, and receive support through life/relationship highs and lows.
A mentor once told me to think of a therapist, or therapy, like a mechanic for your car. If you disregard that pesky check engine light or forget to get an oil change, you could end up with your car breaking down on the side of the road with the mechanic telling you that the car is way past fixing. However, if you do routine maintenance to your car, it will run smoothly, remain reliable/dependable, and maybe help catch patterns or identify problems that could emerge in the future. The same is true for couples and relationships– couples therapy can be a great place for tune ups and ongoing maintenance for the health of your relationship.
Couples therapy is a great way for you and your partner to:
Navigate new life changes/transitions (first-time parenthood, empty-nesting, recent engagement, moving to a new town, etc.)
Increase emotional connectedness and vulnerability
Learn how to communicate during conflict:
Decrease frequent bickering or arguing
Conflict avoidance (not talking about issues)
Process infidelity and broken trust
Restore intimacy, fondness, and admiration
Explore the next step in the relationship and/or the expectations
Breaking up v. staying together
Blended families
Family planning, retirement, empty-nesting, cultural differences
Relationship with in-laws, etc.
Could couples therapy make our relationship worse?
We have all seen it happen in shows and movies. The arguing (*gasp* doomed) couple goes to a couples therapist as a last ditch effort to save their relationship (Side Note: Do therapists all really wear glasses and cardigans? Maybe. Do we do more than nod and shake our heads? Absolutely.). Cue next scene and it’s a screaming match in said office where one of two things will occur: 1. The couple is calling it quits or 2. Said couple dismisses any point the therapist was trying to make and carry on in the relationship, repeating the same cycle that brought them to trying out therapy in the first place. No wonder people worry that couples therapy could potentially do more harm than good.
Long story short: No, couples therapy won’t make things worse, but there will be hard conversations/sessions. Researcher John Gottman noted that the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for marital problems. A big indicator of couples therapy success is the active presence of two partners who are willing to enter into the space and acknowledge the difficulties or take accountability for discourse or contention within the relationship. When couples dance around big problems/points of contention in the relationship, the problem(s) only become a monster that ends up sucking the life and love from the relationship. For many that have danced too long around issues, they may feel that the only way the relationship can be sustained is by continuing to not discuss the monster(s).
The truth is, shining a light on relationship difficulties is the only way to truly work through them.
The great news is, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, more than 75% of patients receiving marriage or couples counseling report an improvement in the couple's relationship after therapy.If you’re ready to move past your fears about couples therapy, then it’s time to reach out to a couples therapist here at Zimmerman Therapy Group. We are ready to support you and your partner in creating a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Till next time,
Aimee Strange, LPCC 14132